Becoming. . . .

The process of pregnancy is one of preparation, anticipation, and growth. The months have passed quickly, and while we may not appear "ready" in the realm of having all the stuff washed, folded, organized, etc., we have felt much more emotionally connected to this process in recent weeks. In the time of one year, we've gone from "if we ever have children" to "we'll see if it happens that we have children" to "OMG we're going to have a child" to "we'll be excited to meet our child in July" to now "we are going to meet our child in a couple weeks!"

As much as pregnancy is a physical process, it's also a huge emotional, mental, and spiritual process as well. I (Haley) took most of the day last Sunday to go on a "pre-motherhood" retreat. It ended up being a bit more exciting than I planned as Speedbump and I got caught up in a thunderstorm and were thoroughly soaked in the course of 30-40 minutes. But, it was a lovely day. Work is busy right now with new student orientation, and our evenings are filled with birth classes, social engagements, and just trying to stay on top of things around the house. I needed some time to get away from my to-do list, reflect on this major change happening in my life, and just "be" in my sanctuary - the mountains.

For my retreat, I ventured to Lory State Park right outside of Fort Collins and went on a 2 1/2 mile hike. It was a great day: moving slowly along the trail, stopping to rest when needed, and just listening to the birds, the breeze, and myself. I also took my journal and got some writing in.

Along the way, I reflected on what becomming a mother means to me so far. Obviously there will be additional thoughts to this in the coming weeks we we get to experience birth and meeting Speedbump, but for now, this is what has "become" during pregnancy:
1) Becomming a mother is a leap of faith - I truly believe bringing a child into the world is the single most hopeful experience of my life to this point. I could not do it if I didn't believe the world is ultimately good, people are ultimately good, and that the future can be amazing. There are so many uncertainties out there, but with faith in the universe, God, and the power of the human spirit, I believe Eric and I can do this.

2) Becomming a mother gives me wonderful amazement for my body - Throughout much of my teen and adult life, I've pushed my body to do many things and take me many places, and I am so very thankful for it. However, this experience is unlike anything else I've ever done, and I am in constant awe of the physical process of growing a human inside of me. It's so freakin' amazing!

3) Becomming a mother fills me with feelings of connectedness to family and important women in my life - I've always had strong relationships with my family and feel so lucky to have amazing life-long friends. However, pregnancy brings women together in a way that I would have never understood prior to this experience. I view pregnancy and the upcoming birth almost as a spiritual rite of passage - something that unites me to my mother, grandmother, and all the other important women in my life who have gone through this process.

4) Becoming a mother has been an exercise in values clarification - I always felt like before I could become a mother, I had to know myself well. Waiting until 31 to have a child has enabled me the time I've needed to experience a lot of things and really develop myself. I feel good about where I am in life now; who I am, what I believe and value. Thinking about raising a child leads me to thinking about what's most important to me AND what will be the most important things I want to teach and pass along to Speedbump.

5) Becoming a mother has helped me recognize my limitations and realize I can't do it all - Ok, so Eric would argue that I still have a long way to go in this area. I definitely agree that this is going to be a tough journey for me. I've always been able to juggle a lot, but I've had to slow down a bit these last few months, and I know I won't be able to pack as many things into my day as I have in the past when Speedbump arrives. It will require setting priorities and being ok with the unknown. These are great lessons I look forward to experiencing to a greater depth in the coming months and years.